It's amazing how my mood can go from to enthusiastic and hopeful to crashing in such short a space of time. I am writing to you amidst one of these crashes. I'd like to be able to cover this in a more objective light. But really this is just one of those things involved in being a Cog.
My self esteem has been pretty low over the last few months. Its been so low that I haven't cared at all about anything much. Thanks to some hard work by some great professionals I find my self esteem, self worth and general mood about everything has become more positive. I guess that as a result of this, things that I didn't concern myself with when I was 'down' are now meaning a lot more to me. Things like friends, social interaction and having people around me. I guess I was absent as myself from my social circles for so long that people simply learned to live without me. If there is any time for a human being to feel pathetic, singular and imperfect its now. This is just one in a long line of previous Friday nights where I have held myself back because of how I've come to be so singular, because of my inadequacy to maintain social connections. It hurts quite a lot.
This has extended to my inability to keep a job, and certainly hampered my job searching efforts.
I guess I am just going to embrace how I am feeling now and go for a walk along the River, this is only low self esteem. It doesn't last forever but it sure as hell doesn't feel so good now.
Depression Sucks! :(
ReplyDeleteHope the river walk was helpful!
It was fairly liberating - always a calculated risk when I go walking alone just before dark (was still mostly heaps of light)
ReplyDeleteDidn't really learn anything but it did pull me out of the mood. Now I'm back to neutral. Not a sustained solution, still looking forward to when I can go back to enjoying a carefree enjoyable drink with friends.
Out of the mood is a good start.
ReplyDeleteI'd venture just 'neutral' is not quite out of depression though. I'm not wanting to speak for you, of course. But my experience with depression gave me 'neutral' as kind of numb and removed, which is another way of saying depressed. It's a long grey slope of nastiness.
If I may ask a question (or two, I tend to ramble): Are you able to spot a trigger for the mood you were in? And, when was the last time do you think you were able to enjoy a carefree drink with friends?
I'm curious, but don't wish to pry. You may consider these (and any other questions I ever pose) rhetorical, if you do not wish to answer in the open here.
I do identify with your experience of neutral, I do feel numb and removed, but I guess I am also just "at peace" or in a sustainable mode, whatever that is. Just feels like the right description at the moment.
ReplyDeleteSince I have been feeling this way the last month or so I think I have identified my trigger as it being Friday or Saturday night. The last time I remember having a good time was months and months ago. I know because I ended up with an ENORMOUS bruise on my hip. The only drinking injury I've ever sustained.
You are welcome to ask questions, it would be silly of me to put so much of myself up on a blog and then not want to engage with people I hope would read. If you don't mind me saying though you sound so much like a psychologist or person of similar profession or training. Your anonymous status has me guessing. (If i was bothered, I wouldn't allow anonymous postings) Don't ever feel like you need to identify yourself, its more fun for me to imagine.
I hope I have answered at least a little bit.
Well, I'm no medical professional. So please don't ever take what I say as medical advice. I speak only from experience, first and second hand. And I'm (perhaps) too nosy for my own good! (I'll never be offended if you don't answer or tell me to leave)
ReplyDeleteCurious is a better word than nosy though. :)
Back on topic, Friday and Saturday nights are the traditional 'party' and socialising nights. Is the trigger then perhaps a sense of loss of freedom? I don't know your age, so I'm likely to be wildly off the mark here. In previous posts you've mentioned feeling disconnected from friends. Or that you don't have many (any? no, you must have some, because one of your goals revolved around them. If I was a professional of any sort I would have noted these details on some scratch paper. And also would not be enclosing three sentence enders within parentheses as a side-thought from a main sentence).
Could there be a correlation between greater resposibilities and losing that social aspect? You mentioned unemployment, which is a huge stressor on one's life. A lack of money might perhaps be causing restrictions upon your socialising, and driving a mental wedge between you and your friends as you feel unable to go out with them, and be a part of their activities.
By holding yourself back due to an inability to 'pay your way', you then miss out on the social bonding they create during that event, thus reinforcing the (seeming) distance between them and yourself. Which readily fuels depression, which in turn magnifies such distances and reinforces feelings of rejection (real or imagined, depression cares not).
Armchair psychology such as this should prove beyond doubt my lack of professional knowledge! :)
Do any of your friends know of your depression? I suppose if they read this blog they do, now at least, but have you discussed it with any of them? Dare I assume your partner knows? I admit to my own frailty here, very few knew of my struggles with depression. To this day it's not something I can engage in conversation about, but I will admit to suffering from it. My point being, I'm not judging you if you've discussed it with everybody or with nobody. I gather you are (or have been) seeking professional help, and that's a good start! And a brave step indeed if you went there on your own. :) I was dragged (almost) kicking and screaming! I felt signicantly better afterwards though. :)
Oh, I would never take something from an anonymous source as something to base a significant action on. I do however love you're clarity and insight.
ReplyDeleteI think you have it in one, I rely entirely on my partner for his income. Which doesnt bring a divider between the two of us. Being said, I am 22, many of my friends are >27 The majority of their outings are home based, where a $10 bottle of champagne is my only financial requirement. I have many friends, many people who generally take an interest. But I have a close relationship with very few, and wouldn't be too much of a stretch to say none. depending on the varying definitions of close.
Everyone knows. I don't really hide it, I don't really talk about it too much. Didn't even really intend to bring it up on this blog. I'm terrified that I might have talked about it too much. I know how tedious it can be to listen to people go on about their problems.
I want things to be different, and I guess thats why I want to keep to this blog.
Depression is a tricky thing to deal with, cope with and understand both within yourself and for the people around you. When I suffered from depression I shut down and didn’t talk to anyone and it was really hard to work my way out of it, I was lucky that I had a lot of people to just be around which I found helpful. Even now at times I can understand the neutral comment when the feelings are just numb and there isn’t much to feel (If that makes sense). Saying that I still have a partner and very close friends who suffer from it and while I understand to a degree what they are going through and what kind of support they need it can be a very personal thing that within yourself you feel you cant discuss because in your mind no one else can understand it and it leaves you vulnerable to judgement of others.
ReplyDeleteI found the most important thing is to have social interaction often because at the time I didn’t realise it but being around people helped in ways I struggle to describe. Now being aware of it I can see how being around people who I respect and have friendships with allows me to put things into perspective about the positive things that exist in the world around me. This is ultimately important to me now. It helps greatly that I also have a partner that understands me and the niggling doubt that lies within me.
Mainly I adopted a very as it comes I will deal with it, tentatively I have been very lucky with things and nothing has gone overly wrong since I dug my way out of depression.
The Blog is really good by the way.
Thanks so much for your post Wanderer. It means a lot. I am so glad to hear that you and anon. Have both found your way out of depression.
ReplyDeleteI have come to recognise that I am not the only person in the world who has troubles. Everyone struggles with their own and I am very aware of imposing on others. I really hold myself back.
Thinking about it more, I have also decided that part of my neutral feeling comes from having the framework to improve in place, but resigning to the fact that everything takes time and getting better is particularly slow. If it doesn't leave me numb its certainly frustrating.
Thanks again for sharing with us and the boost in blog confidence!
I dont think there is a problem to a degree with imposing on others as generally you need to have the mindset that people are good and happy to listen and help.
ReplyDeleteYour right about everyone having their own troubles but the greatest strengths people have in this world are those people who are around them to support them. This is important to remember in terms of judging the right balance of imposing on people and having that emotional support there.
Just remember that everything in this world that is important is going to include a journey, and its these journeys that create we are and make us stronger.
Its still Wanderer just figured out my Blog login
Oh good job on the login!
ReplyDeleteNearly all of the time I have a strong sense of responsibility for myself. I wasn't really raised to know how to ask for help on such a personal level. I never learnt how. I'd take anything right now. Friends for the sake of friends and fun. No big heavy conversations is support. Just a friendly chat. Maybe a drink and a good time. I don't want the whole world, just a reasonable Tash sized piece.
That sense of responsibility can often drive us to acheive things that we set out minds on. Its important that we have the personal drive which can do this.
ReplyDeleteAnd at the very least there should be one or two close people who can help you with emotional burdens, this is key to being able to cope.
A little piece of the world for ourselves is always nice.
Yeah, I have my boyfriend at the moment, he has definitely been my 'rock' - Wont stand for me to mope around anymore.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, if I cant conquer the whole thing, at least something is better than nothing!