It's amazing how my mood can go from to enthusiastic and hopeful to crashing in such short a space of time. I am writing to you amidst one of these crashes. I'd like to be able to cover this in a more objective light. But really this is just one of those things involved in being a Cog.
My self esteem has been pretty low over the last few months. Its been so low that I haven't cared at all about anything much. Thanks to some hard work by some great professionals I find my self esteem, self worth and general mood about everything has become more positive. I guess that as a result of this, things that I didn't concern myself with when I was 'down' are now meaning a lot more to me. Things like friends, social interaction and having people around me. I guess I was absent as myself from my social circles for so long that people simply learned to live without me. If there is any time for a human being to feel pathetic, singular and imperfect its now. This is just one in a long line of previous Friday nights where I have held myself back because of how I've come to be so singular, because of my inadequacy to maintain social connections. It hurts quite a lot.
This has extended to my inability to keep a job, and certainly hampered my job searching efforts.
I guess I am just going to embrace how I am feeling now and go for a walk along the River, this is only low self esteem. It doesn't last forever but it sure as hell doesn't feel so good now.